The Last Resort Menu

What's on the menu at The Last Resort, the tavern at the crossroads between worlds?

(or just roll a d30 for a random magical food/drink)

1. Displacer Beef

Very difficult to eat piece of meat, often appears to be on the table next to your plate. Grants the displacer ability, usable once, for up to 4 days after consumption: -2 on all attacks on the eater for one turn.

2. Philter of Intoxicating Miasma

The more you drink the more people get drunk around you within a 10' radius. A soft yellow glow pervades the area, leaking from the imbiber's pores. 

3. Invisible Soup 

Does what it doesn't say on the invisible tin. 50gp a pop, tracking down those invisible asparagus and boiling all vestige of flavour and substance from it ain't easy you know. Makes your urine odourless, invisble and insubstantial.

4. Troll Cakes

Come in two flavours, sedimentary and igneous, and require a diamond edged cake knife to slice. Watch out though, the sedimentary ones might contain fossils that will reanimate in your gubbins, and the igneous type can cause the feldspar-intolerant to suffer from lava-belly. A rich and stodgy foodstuff, eat a slice of this and you won't want to move for a week and the weight will go straight to your waist. Beware of those cheapskate dwarven bakers who substitute concrete breezeblocks for the real ingredients.

5. Pixie Cocktails

All the rage at parties in the Despotate of Doom and among the fast set in the City of Dis, these are cocktails enlivened by decorating them with pixies impaled on a tiny plastic sword. Watch out. If you are proffered a drink with a pixie impaled with a wooden cocktail stick, you are being given a vampire pixie who will fang your face off and drink your blood once you reach the bottom of the glass.

6. Whine Gums

Gelatinous confections lettered and flavoured with various displeasures and whinges - such as 'Ennui', 'Weltschmerz', 'Disinclination', 'Peevishness' etc. No one really likes these and they are only bought as Christmas presents for relatives you don't get on with, probably because they bought a bag for you the year before.

7. PS

A nutritious but rather dull letter, served up boiled as an accompaniment to various more interesting dishes such as adverbs in aspic, mashed nouns and split infinitives. Can cause stuttering.

8. Multidimensional Borscht

Rainbow coloured as opposed to usual purple, and the flavours vary and mingle on your tongue, as the multidimensional beetroots transform into all the beet-equivalents they have evolved into in all the other planes of existence. Usually quite nice, but beware the possibility of your dinner transforming into a beard-snatching beet from probability seventeen-A, where a demented revolutionary concocted these demonic vegetables to drag the magnificently hirsute boyars of the Tsardom of all the Brassicas to their doom by drowning them in their favourite starter.

9. Water of Thirst 

Causes dehydration. The more you drink, the thirstier you get.

10. Orcish War Bread

Puts some punch into your kick and fire in your belly.

11. Obsidian Berries

Turn the eater as sharp and translucent as obsidian.

12. Lifenuts

Restore health, small chance they root themselves in intestine and a bloody mistletoe sprig starts growing from an orifice.

13. Banana of Yellow

Turns the eater yellow, fingers leave yellow stains.

14. Peach of levitation

A peach that levitates. Other effects unknown.

15. Holy Sunrise

A sweet looking but surprisingly bitter tasting drink, which gives you a warm glowing aura of holiness that harms unholy creatures. Lasts until sunrise, when the aura is touched by daylight.

16. Blue Mountains Gänseblümchen Sandwich

A sandwich made with Blue Mountains Daisies and goat butter. The goat butter must not come from Blue Mountains goats. Grants the ability to tell in which direction the Blue Mountains are and how long a goat would need to get there. Effects last until the sandwich has passed through your system.

17. Death of Pigs

A delicate mustard spread made from the rendered soul of a pig that grants a +3 bonus to the next save vs. Death.

18. Gwen's Carrot Soup

That’s it, the real thing, the reasons countless generations of children were forced to eat carrots, because “they are good for your eyes”. Eat this soup and your nightvision will improve considerably for up to 10 days.

19. Nexor's Really Hot Chili

Save vs. poison or take 1d4 fire damage while eating. Gain one-time fire breathing ability (10' ranged attack, 2d6 fire damage), expires after one week.

20. Hot Chocolate of Ith-Narmant

Made from chocolate and liquified shadows. A favorite with patrons arriving from the Frost Planes or Mount Chillblaine. In addition to making you all warm and fuzzy from the inside, it heals 3hp lost from cold damage, grants +2 on all rolls to hide in shadows/darkness, +2 on all saving throws vs cold, and +2 on all perception checks concerning things hidden in shadows/darkness for one week.

21. Magic Tongue Tea

Available in different flavors. During 10 minutes after consumption, you can taste the properties of a magic item. The amount of tasted information is based on a perception check. Afterwards, you lose your sense of taste and smell for up to one week, depending on the magic item's power.

22. Pancakes of the Gods

Served with your choice of lawful, neutral or chaotic syrup. Eater gains effects of Cure Light Wounds or Lay On Hands as if cast by the cook (depending on the cook's level). If consumed by a cleric, they grant +1 on any appropriate cleric ability or spell check for the rest of the day. They also taste absolutely delicious. Mandatory church donation not included.

23. Volatile Veggies

This bowl of fairy vegetables has to be consumed very quickly lest it disappears from the mortal realm (DEX check necessary). If successfully eaten, they grant a +3 on checks dealing with fairy magic or illusions, as well as the ability to see and use fairy portals, passageways and paths until next sunrise. As a side-effect, the eater becomes very ticklish during this time.

24. Death Cookies

Sweet, painless and instant death if willingly eaten. No effect if eater is not fully aware of the consequences and consenting. For all intents and purposes, your body is considered dead, but preserved at 0hp for up to one year and a day, after which it will rot away in a few hours. During this period, your spirit is free but cannot interact with the physical world. Magical healing of any amount of hp to the body by any means resurrects it.

25. Geas Casserole

Serves two or more. Oaths taken during consumption of this filling food are binding. If any such oath is broken, any agreed misfortunes come true.

26. Wheel of Fortune Cheese

Served with homemade bread. Allows you to re-roll your next critical miss/failure. Frequent consumption forces you to re-roll your next critical hit/success, too.

27. Purple Pudding

The favorite dessert of overambitious magic-users and would-be wizards. Highly hallucinogenic. Grants the ability to read and learn an additional spell of one level higher than usual to any spellcaster. The spell must be read from a scroll, grimoire or learned from another spellcaster in up to one hour after consumption. Non-spellcasters gain the spell Detect Magic and can cast it as a level 1 magic-user. During the following three days, the spell can be cast once, then all understanding of it is gone. Until it is cast, you experience a hallucination that you fully believe (and act accordingly), at the GM's discretion, whenever you roll a 1 on any die (even on damage rolls etc). All special effects aside, Purple Pudding is often used purely for recreational purposes and is highly addictive if consumed regularly.

28. Slow Jelly

A jelly cooked from black ooze and ochre jellies that hastes the eater and has a 1 in 1d6 chance of making him translucent.

29. Favorite Food

This illusionary dish looks, smells and tastes like your favorite food, prepared to perfection in your favorite way. It has only illusionary nutritional values, so you will feel hungry again after half an hour. No refunds if you disbelieve it.

30. Hook Hors d'oeuvres

Consisting of vulture meat wrapped in a chitinous exoskeleton, these are served prior to the main course. Those who partake are able to communicate with other guests through eerie clacking noises which are incomprehensible to others.

This is a collaborative random table from Dead Cyclops and these fine contributors:
Gary Bowerbank (2)
Bary Blatt (3-8)
Luka Rejec (9-14, 17, 28)
Regine Bernhardt (15, 16, 18)
Rafael Chandler (30)